In recent weeks, I’ve been going through a tough relational struggle. I’ve been butting heads with someone I am very close to, and we just cannot seem to see eye to eye. There have been a lot of misunderstanding, and a lot of questioned intentions. A lot of reading between the lines (in some cases, lines that aren’t even there, I believe), and a lot of tears. We seem to be at an impasse.
This makes me quite sad because this person is my best friend. The person I share everything with; all the good and exciting stuff, as well as all the bad and hard stuff. Losing that connection is significant, and it will cause pain for both of us for a long time, I’m sure.
For the first forty-eight years of my life, I was a people pleaser. Having the disease to please has cost me so much more over the course of my years than I can possibly list here. But the biggest things I lost were precious years I’ll never get back in which I lived my life to make others happy, losing myself in the process. Well, not losing myself, because I never even knew who I really was. I was too busy being what everyone else wanted me to be. If you are or ever have been a people pleaser, I know you know what I’m talking about. Even worse than that, it cost me some of the most precious relationships with people who once truly loved me but got fed up with being impacted by my poor decisions.
At the age of forty-eight, following yet another divorce, I finally started to work on myself to figure out what the pattern was. To figure out what the hell I was doing wrong. I’m fifty-three now. I’ve come a long way in those five years, but uncovering the truth about myself has been an excruciating process.
I won’t get into all the details about that – that would be a book. But I will say I’ve come out on the other side of that process having learned who I really am. What I really like. What I truly desire in life. And I’ve learned how to say “no” … once the hardest word in the world for me to use.
I’ve also learned that being my authentic self means standing up for what I believe is right. It means not agreeing to go along with something that my soul is practically screaming “NOOOO!!!!” to. And I’ve learned that doing that will, at times, cost me. But I’ve also learned that it won’t cost me nearly what it would have had I gone against my true nature.
Sometimes, being honest with someone is brutal. Sometimes, it’s among the hardest tasks you may face. But do it anyway. Use discretion, choose your words wisely, and never go about it in a mean girl way. But share how you feel and share your point of view in situations that warrant that kind of rawness. And if the relationship falls apart because of it, then that relationship is one you are no longer meant to be a part of. If it endures, you’ll have an even stronger bond and a more authentic relationship going forward. No matter how you slice it, it really is a win-win.